The Courage to Correct

In a time when many parents are deeply concerned about their children’s happiness, confidence and emotional well-being, an important responsibility of parenting is increasingly being overlooked: the responsibility of correcting them. While love, affection and encouragement are essential in raising a child, so too is teaching him right from wrong, setting boundaries and correcting him when he goes beyond them. A child does not naturally know what is acceptable and what is not. He needs guidance, and that guidance sometimes requires a parent to say, “This is wrong,” and to firmly correct him. Correction is not a sign that a parent does not love his child. In fact, proper correction is an expression of a parent’s love and concern. When a parent sees his child developing a bad habit, behaving disrespectfully or neglecting an important responsibility, remaining silent does not help the child. Allowing every mistake to pass without addressing it may keep the child happy for the moment, but it does little to prepare him for life. A child needs parents who will lovingly guide him, teach him boundaries and help him understand that actions have consequences. One of the greatest mistakes that can be made in the upbringing of children is to confuse love with a permissive approach. A parent may feel that correcting the child will upset him, cause him to become distant or make him feel bad about himself. As a result, certain behaviours are repeatedly overlooked. Disrespect is tolerated, disobedience is excused, responsibilities are neglected and mistakes are brushed aside. With time, however, what was initially a small behaviour can become a deeply rooted habit. Children need to learn from a young age that there are certain things that are simply not acceptable. A child who speaks disrespectfully to his parents needs to be corrected. A child who lies needs to be taught the seriousness of dishonesty. A child who refuses to fulfil his responsibilities needs to be reminded and, where necessary, disciplined. A child who is careless regarding salaah needs to be guided and encouraged towards punctuality and commitment. These lessons cannot always be taught through gentle suggestions alone. There are times when a firm reprimand is necessary. The Quraan and ahaadeeth place great emphasis on the responsibility of parents to nurture and guide their children. Allah Ta‘ala says, “O you who believe, save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones.” (Surah Tahreem v6) This responsibility cannot be fulfilled merely by providing children with food, clothing, education and material comfort. It includes protecting them from harmful behaviour, teaching them their obligations and correcting them when they go wrong. Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) also emphasised the importance of teaching children salaah from a young age. He said, “Command your children to perform salaah when they are seven years old, and discipline them regarding it when they are ten.” (Sunan Abi Dawood #495) This demonstrates that tarbiyah involves more than simply explaining what is right. There comes a time when parents must insist upon obedience and take appropriate measures when a child deliberately neglects what he has been taught. Correction, however, should not be confused with anger, humiliation or constantly finding fault. The purpose of correction is not to make a child feel worthless, nor is it to vent one’s frustration. A child should be corrected because his behaviour needs to change. The parent should therefore focus on correcting the action rather than attacking the child himself. A child who is corrected with wisdom learns that mistakes have consequences, that boundaries exist and that he is accountable for his actions. He also learns an important quality that will benefit him throughout his life: the ability to accept correction. If a child grows up being protected from every form of criticism and correction, he may struggle later in life when a teacher, employer, spouse or another person points out his shortcomings. At the same time, correction should not become the only interaction a child has with his parents. Just as a parent should be prepared to correct a child when he does wrong, he should also acknowledge his good in order to encourage him and uplift him if his spirits are low. This quality of lifting a person’s spirits was found in the blessed life of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) as well. On one occasion, a Sahaabi by the name of Zaahir (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) was in the marketplace when Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) approached him from behind and embraced him. Sayyiduna Zaahir (radhiyallahu ‘anhu), not knowing who it was, exclaimed, “Let me go! Who is this?” However, when he realised that it was Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam), he did not want the embrace to end. He pressed his back against the blessed chest of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam), wanting to remain in his embrace. Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) light-heartedly said, “Who will buy this slave?” Sayyiduna Zaahir (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) replied with humility, “O Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam)! By Allah, you will find me to be of little worth!” Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) then responded with a statement that captured the essence of his ability to lift hearts. He said, “But in the sight of Allah, you are not worthless.” (Musnad Ahmad #12648) Our children are an amaanah from Allah Ta‘ala, and raising them requires more than providing for their physical needs. They need parents who will patiently teach them, lovingly guide them and courageously correct them when necessary. A child who is lovingly corrected today may be protected from a far greater mistake tomorrow. The correction that feels difficult in the moment may become the guidance that shapes his character for years to come. uswatulmuslimah