Was My Child Bullied at School Because I Taught Him Tolerance?

“Was My Child Bullied at School Because I Taught Him Tolerance?” The question came from a well-built, dignified-looking South Indian man in his mid-thirties. He spoke with evident anguish as he told me what had happened to his son. “My son is very intelligent, but he is reserved, and because of that, he was treated like a nerd. He wouldn’t mix with people, and some bullies started picking on him. He didn’t tell anyone, and he had no friends to support him. “This went on for weeks. My wife and I could see that he was becoming downcast, and his grades were also slipping. We tried to talk with him, but he wouldn’t tell us anything. Finally, one day, he came home with a swollen jaw and a black eye. He told us he had bumped against his locker door. But when we pressed him, he finally told us the horrible truth: he was being badly bullied. “Aghast, I asked him why he had not told me. He said, ‘I thought I should be tolerant because this is temporary. It will pass.’” At this point, the father paused, swallowed, and continued. “Bhagavad Gita 2.14, the verse about tolerance, was one of the first verses we taught him. We were so proud that he had learned so many verses. But now…” I said, “I’m so shocked to hear about what happened. How is your son now?” “He is much better. His bullies have been reported to the school, and they are being dealt with. He has also promised that if he faces any problems again, he will inform us.” Then he looked me straight in the eyes and asked, “The question I want to ask you is: Was something wrong with my teaching of tolerance to my son, or is the teaching of tolerance itself wrong because it’s not applicable in today’s rough-and-tough world?” “I appreciate that even in this painful situation, you are asking such a thoughtful question. I think there is a third possibility worth considering. Perhaps neither the teaching of tolerance nor your decision to teach it was wrong. Rather, the understanding of tolerance you received was incomplete.” “What do you mean?” “Bhagavad Gita 2.14, the verse you mentioned, speaks about tolerating the temporary experiences of heat and cold, pleasure and pain. It took me years to understand what that verse implies and what it does not imply. Like your son, I too focused on the idea that we should tolerate things because they are temporary. “But let’s look at the verse in the larger context of the Gita. When Krishna tells Arjuna to tolerate, does He mean that Arjuna should tolerate the Kauravas’ atrocities and not fight the war?” He shook his head. “Why not? Even the atrocities are temporary. In fact, the body itself is temporary, as Krishna has explained in the preceding verses. If we were to tolerate difficulties simply because they are temporary, then Arjuna could have been called upon to tolerate adharma itself.” I continued, “Arjuna, as a warrior, has a duty to protect people from aggressors. Duryodhana and his associates have repeatedly committed atrocities, and Arjuna has to oppose them. But because Bhishma and Drona have chosen to fight on Duryodhana’s side, Arjuna faces the painful prospect of fighting against those whom he deeply respects. “That is the pain Krishna is asking Arjuna to tolerate while discharging his duty as a warrior. “So tolerance is meant to increase our commitment to our duty, not decrease our capacity to do our duty.” The father looked thoughtful. “That’s a striking formulation. Can you explain it further?” “The Gita’s call for tolerance is subordinate to its larger call to fulfill our responsibilities, ultimately in service to Krishna. “We tolerate what is temporary so that we can remain committed to what is important. But if tolerating something impedes our commitment to what is important, or impairs our capacity for such commitment, then we need to reconsider whether tolerance is the best approach. “Let’s consider a more immediate example. Suppose I am giving a talk and someone starts speaking loudly on their phone during the class. Should I tolerate it simply because it’s temporary? After all, they’re unlikely to talk for an hour.” “No, you should ask them to stop,” the father replied. “Why?” “Because they’re disturbing your talk.” “Exactly. Their conversation is interfering with my responsibility to speak and with my responsibility toward the rest of the audience, who have come to hear the wisdom of the Gita. “Now suppose you are attending a meeting and are sitting directly under an air conditioner. You’re feeling uncomfortably cold. Should you tolerate it?” He considered the question. “If there is no other seat available and the meeting is important, you may need to tolerate the cold. But if another seat is easily available, or you can exchange seats with someone less sensitive to cold, why not do so? “The point is that we don’t have to tolerate every temporary inconvenience. We tolerate what needs to be tolerated so that we can focus on what matters.” He asked, “Then, in the way the Bhagavad Gita is taught today, are we sometimes overemphasizing tolerance?” “It’s possible. But we also need to recognize that tolerance is becoming a relatively rare virtue in an age of quick fixes and instant gratification. Our capacity to tolerate even minor inconveniences can become very low. “Recently, I was at a college where the Wi-Fi connection had gone down for some time. I heard a student swearing loudly because he couldn’t update something on TikTok. “Not every discomfort needs to be immediately removed. And even when we can remove it, doing so need not become our highest priority. “To understand tolerance more clearly, let’s use the metaphor of a pendulum. In today’s society, people often swing toward the extreme of intolerance, letting small things become unnecessarily big. But while countering this lack of tolerance, the pendulum may swing toward the other extreme, where excessive emphasis on tolerance can lead to impotence.” He looked startled. “Impotence? What do you mean by that?” “I don’t mean that we lack the power to act. Rather, because of a mistaken understanding of tolerance, we voluntarily refrain from using the power we have. We treat serious problems as if they were too small to deserve attention, even when they interfere with our responsibilities. “Between these two extremes is tolerance. Things that don’t come in the way of the big things in our lives should be kept small. But things that do come in the way of those big things should not be treated as small. “Tolerance means keeping small things small so that we can keep big things big.” He nodded somberly and said, “I wish I had known this before. I could have protected my son from so much pain.” I replied, “I can understand your pain. But it’s important that you don’t burden yourself with unnecessary guilt. “Your child was not bullied because you taught him tolerance. He was bullied because bullies chose to bully. But his suffering was prolonged because tolerance was misunderstood as passive endurance rather than purposeful perseverance. “Your intentions were good. You were trying to teach your son an important virtue that would help him immensely in life. What happened to him was unfortunate. Thankfully, that chapter has now ended, and he knows he can come to you if he faces such problems again. “You can also share with him what we have discussed today, in a way he can understand. That way, he will have not only the practical assurance that he can approach you for help, but also a clearer understanding of tolerance itself. He can learn that seeking help when his safety is threatened is not a failure of tolerance; it is a fulfillment of the purpose of tolerance.” The father nodded, thanked me, and departed. Later, as I reflected on the incident, I wondered how often I might have given others an incomplete understanding of tolerance in the past, even though I had been able to offer this father a more holistic understanding. Had my teaching encouraged people to keep small things small, or had it sometimes led them to treat as small things that were actually big? With that sobering thought, I offered a prayer: My dear Lord, just as You have helped me evolve in my understanding of tolerance, please help those who may have received an incomplete understanding through my earlier teachings to similarly deepen their understanding. Help me play my part better in sharing a holistic understanding of Your teachings. Let me never separate any virtue from its ultimate purpose: to live more fully and purposefully in a life of responsible service to You. *** 02.14 O son of Kuntī, the nonpermanent appearance of happiness and distress, and their disappearance in due course, are like the appearance and disappearance of winter and summer seasons. They arise from sense perception, O scion of Bharata, and one must learn to tolerate them without being disturbed. The post Was My Child Bullied at School Because I Taught Him Tolerance? first appeared on Chaitanya Charan Das, Bhagavad Gita ISKCON .