Grace in Prison

Thank you for listening to UPIA's Dharma podcast, an extraordinary series of talks from some of the finest teachers in the world. I'm Joan Halifax, founder of the UPIA's End Center, and we're happy to make these podcasts available to you. Please consider making a donation so we can offer these recordings freely. You'll find a donation button on our podcast page. And thank you so much. This is Dharma Podcast at DharmaPodcast.org. This is episode number 2660. It was recorded on September 9th, 2026, and it is titled Grace in Prison. The speaker for this episode is Wendy Lau. Good evening. I see some new faces. Who's their first time here? Ah, wonderful. Good to see you. So this weekend we have the Grace Compassion Training coming up, which is wonderful. Thank you, Roshi. Thank you for creating this amazing place where these kind of trainings can happen, bringing more compassion into the world. And, you know, it's an honor this weekend to teach with Roshi, with Cynda, and with Tony. They have been my teachers for many years, so it's wonderful to be able to be part of the team. And Grace is our foundational teaching from Roshi. It is a compassion training that Roshi developed. Initially it was created for clinicians, because Roshi saw a deficit of compassion in the medical system. You know, it's a way for us to cultivate all the elements within ourselves in order for compassion to arise. It's now been taught to not just clinicians, but also caregivers, scientists, lawyers, teachers. And we also teach a lot in Japan as well. But most recently we were contacted by the Cabinet Secretary of Corrections, Secretary Tofoea, to bring the Grace teachings to the penitentiary of New Mexico, to first teach corrections officers there. And so we decided in our meeting a few months ago that we would start with the cadets, the people who are starting to become corrections officers before they go into the system and teach them this system, this Grace training, in their core training, before they enter the system. Which is wonderful. And this relationship with the penitentiary of New Mexico started when Roshi volunteered there many years ago in maximum security on death row for six years. And then that relationship continued. Gensan Sensei of you are listening to this. Secretary Tofoea said that he was one of her favorite volunteers in the prison. So that relationship continued and she asked us back because Jane Steinberg has been working hard as our prison director of the prison project. And we've been bringing yoga and meditation to men in prison for many years. But this teaching corrections officers is a new thing. We've never done that before. So we were very excited to be able to do this. And we've done this now four times. So we've taught four cohorts of corrections officers cadets who, you know, hundreds, maybe like a hundred people. For maybe three hours each time during their core training. It's Buzaman Tuck and Jane Steinberg and me. And we hope to just, you know, give them this tool so that they can think about compassion before they even enter the system. And then earlier this year, Buzaman had an idea to teach grace also to the men in prison. And, you know, we were trying to figure it out and all of a sudden they called us and said, we're ready for you. We're like, oh, what? So just like two weeks ago, three weeks ago. And we started a pilot system of his pilot workshop to teach a group of men in prison and level three prison for a grace workshop that spans two and a half weeks, twice a week for an hour each time. And we went through the whole grace training in a condensed way. It was a group of about eight to 15 men. There's a core group who comes every time and then there are a few people who are sometimes able to come, sometimes not. But they were a delight to teach. I didn't really know what to expect. You know, I actually have never volunteered in the prison before. So I just am starting. I just got my badge and this training just started happening. So I was like, perfect. I would love to join this. And they were so earnest. They were so eager to learn and just were honest in their process. And so we're looking forward to doing more there. So corrections officers and men inside two groups who are put in a system as opposites, diametrically opposed, set up by the system to see the other group as other. There are real and also perceived threats to each other's safety. And the threat combined with the power dynamics inherent in that system really heightens that othering that happens between the two groups. So dehumanization becomes the default way of seeing in both directions. So in this really fraught setup of this system, how do we bring more compassion? You know, compassion is really about rehumanizing the other and then acting from this place of non-separation. So in this system that set up a separation, how do we do that? You know, I'm using the prison system as an example because that's fresh for me. But the nature of our relative world is really dualistic. Our society, our world is so polarized, right? And this is not just the prison system. It's any human system in medicine, in politics. In medicine we spend a lot of time in the grace training and other clinician trainings talking about how we can rehumanize ourselves and also the people that we serve. You know, these systems of separation is really just the human condition just multiplied, right? The condition of the unawakened mind in a large scale. But of course, you know, in the prison system is a charnel ground that is, it really exemplifies the separation. So, Tuck and I really wanted to know how to serve in this system. The dynamics on how it works in there, in this particular charnel ground. You know, given this precious opportunity to serve in there with both groups. We wanted to know if we're on the right track. So, we phoned a friend. We were having dinner with Rebecca Solnit, who was here for a few months as writer in residence. And she is good friends with Jarvis Masters. Does anybody know who that is? A few people. And she was able to set up a call for us. If you don't know who he is, he's a remarkable, remarkable human being. He's a Buddhist practitioner. This is his bio. I'll give you a, you know, so you know who he is. He's a Buddhist practitioner, a writer on death row. And he was at San Quentin State Prison in California. He had been there since 1990. Confected of a crime that he did not commit. A conviction that has been contested by legal scholars, Buddhist teachers, and human rights advocates for many, many years, for decades. While incarcerated, he took vows, began writing, has become one of the most clear eyed witnesses to what happens to human beings inside the American prison system. His books are, That Bird Has My Wings and Finding Freedom. So look him up. So after 43 years in San Quentin, he was transferred to the California Men's Colony in San Luis Obispo as part of the program that's clearing San Quentin's death row. So we were able to get a call with him through Rebecca. And in our conversation on the phone, of course, this phone call was interrupted frequently by, you know, the recording of like this call and your phone number will be monitored and recorded. And then every 15 minutes, the call gets cut off and he has to call back. This has been all his phone calls since his adult life for 43 years. So we asked him, how can we serve? He told us that the most important thing, the most fundamental thing, is for both groups to hold onto seeing humanity in the other group. He recognizes that this is not an easy task. It's hard. Because in this system, people will act badly, are acting badly. But it's important to bridge, and in his words, those two negative opinions. So in other words, the most important element of bringing compassion to this system is re-humanization. In the grace training also, Roshi teaches us that compassion is itself not directly trainable because it needs to arise spontaneously and within the context. It is not a script, not a set way to be. But compassion is made of trainable elements that can be trained, embodied, and then they can allow for compassion to arise as appropriate action. So actually much of the training is about first cultivating our attention, our attentional balance, then recognizing where we're at, what we're holding, recognizing our conditioning, what we're bringing into the present moment, and to this situation where we really want to serve and bring compassion. And also to recognize the causes and conditions that led us up to this point, that might be coloring our vision, our perception, and then letting go of these preconceived notions, our conditioning. Then after we've emptied our opinions as much as we can, our wrong views, then re-humanization and compassion can happen. So in grace, which we will go through in depth this weekend, so please join us online if you're interested, grace is an acronym and G stands for gathering attention, cultivating that attentional balance. Also the first step whenever you learn meditation of learning how to bring our attention to this present moment and not be distracted so that we can be here, because compassion can't arise if we're distracted and thinking about something else. Then the R of grace is recalling our intention, arousing Bodhichitta, reminding ourselves of who we really are as aspiring Bodhisattvas, and reminding ourselves that we're here to serve the situation and the person in front of us and not just here for personal comfort or gain or self-improvement. And then the A of grace is attuning to self and then the other, recognizing that what we're bringing into this moment, all the causes and conditions, are we hungry? The basic things, are we angry from something that happened before? Maybe we're not feeling safe or recognizing all of this before we try to attune to the situation and the other. Are we subtly dehumanizing the other person by not seeing all of who they are? And however difficult the situation, they are also a Buddha, maybe a wounded one, but so am I. Then the C of grace is considering what we'll serve from this place of rehumanization, of inclusivity and openness. And asking that question that Sinda always asks, you'll hear this when you come to the training. What else might be true here? And then E is for engaging in that compassionate action, which might be stepping away, not engaging, because we're in this space of reactivity or the other person is, or whatever it needs to arise in that moment. And then the other E is for ending. So that's what we'll be talking about this weekend. So you can see inherent in the grace structure is this emptying and preparation process of recognizing our own responsibility in the situation and recognizing the biases we might be bringing in, you know, or the overt or subtle dehumanization that we might be engaging in, and the other self and the other person. And as I was thinking about this, I was thinking about Anguli Mala. Anybody know who that is? A teaching, a story from the Pali Canyon. And he, I'm not going to go into his whole backstory, there's a lot to it. But his name means kind of gruesome. Garlands of fingers. I'm not going to go into the whole thing, but he supposedly he killed 999 people. Or their fingers around his neck like a garland or a necklace. And but through this amazing meeting and exchange with the Buddha, where he actually at first was trying to kill the Buddha. He was able to lay down his weapons. And he asked to be ordained. The Buddha ordained him the next the same day. And then later on he became one of the Buddha's enlightened students and recognized as a arhat and enlightened being. Quite remarkable change in, you know, flipping the story. This part of the story is quite well known. And it speaks of the power of repentance and vow and ordination. But there's a second part of the story that I love. So Anguli Maladamank after he's been ordained, he's one of the Buddha's close students. They go on arms around begging for food every day. And while he was out one day, he came upon a pregnant woman who is an agonizing labor and was not able to deliver. We all know how dangerous that is, right? That both mother and child can die. So he returned to the Buddha and asked for help. He recognized the direness of the situation. The Buddha instructed him to go back and perform an act of truth. That's when you say a truth that is so truthful that the power in this truth has the power to heal. And the Buddha instructed him to say, Sister to the pregnant woman, Since I was born, I do not recall intentionally killing a living being. Through this truth, may there be well-being for you, well-being for your fetus. Hmm. It would have, you know, the Buddha said told him to do this, right? So he's, you know, it would have been easy for him to say, Okay, sure. I'll go and do this and, you know, heal the pregnant woman and slide by this kind of partial on truth. But instead he corrected the Buddha. He said, But Lord, wouldn't that be a lie for me? I have intentionally killed many living beings. So the Buddha said, Oh, okay, we'll change, you know, we'll make this right. So why don't you say, Sister, since I was born in the noble birth, meaning ordination as a monk, I do not recall intentionally killing a living being. Through this truth, may there be well-being for you and your fetus. So Anguli Ma said, Okay, I can, I can do that. That's the truth. I, you know, since my noble birth in ordination, I haven't killed anyone. So he went back and did this. And the woman was saved. She was able to deliver this new life into the world. So the whole story is, of course, remarkable and apocryphal. A serial killer becoming an enlightened being. But the part I really wanted to lift up is this part where Anguli Mala was taking responsibility. So courageously that he corrected the Buddha himself. Not letting this partial untruth just slide by, you know, but holding oneself fully accountable in a way that is not shaming or blaming, but just truthfully about one's truthfully accept one's actions. All the mistakes and harms that we have caused. And that way in the story allowing for a new life to come forth. Roshi said, and I quote, transformation and accountability coexist. That the turning does not cancel the debt. That bearing the consequences without retaliation is itself the practice. These are not contradictory positions, but they accent the teaching differently. So I feel that many of these wonderful students in the grace class in prison are actively working with this. This self-selected group of men were wonderful students. You know, in our class with them they were so open, so honest about where they're at. I know this wouldn't be true for everyone, you know, in that system, in the wider prison population, but this group, this self-selected group, were really ready for the work and wanted to learn. They shared openly about working with anger, working with regret, working with blame and remorse. And in this group there was a young man, probably the youngest in the group. He told us that he was there because he shot and killed someone. Probably a common story in prison. He was there because of a complicated web of causes and conditions. You know, he grew up in the inner city. Hi there. Are you okay? What's going on? I'm not sure. Okay, let's, don't get up, don't get up. Let's turn around. Yes, thank you. You can cut her off. So we just had somebody faint. So we're just dying in. Who's our ER physician is handling it, bless her heart. Everybody having enough water? It's important. Somebody fainted this morning in Zazen too, so it's like, watch the, let's just take a moment and sit. She's good. I have no idea where I am, but, um, something about, huh? Oh yeah, the young man. So we had a young man in the group who, um, was really honest about where he's at. I was saying that he, you know, was there because he shot and killed someone. And he told us that on that fateful night he was, you know, out drinking and doing drugs, which, you know, is what was modeled for him. That's what he was doing in the inner city. And someone was, this guy who was just very aggravating and kept going up to him and saying disrespectful things, pushing him. And he had a gun on him. He, um, didn't want to shoot the guy. He remembered this. So he shot at the guy. But then the guy kept egging him on. And then in his drunken state, he just, couldn't take it anymore, turn around, shot the man, and that's why he was there. He's been there for four years and looking at a much longer sentence. And his questions and comments were kept coming back to, how do I deal with this cycle of anger and regret? This intrusive thought keeps coming in that, you know, why did the man keep pushing me? I didn't actually want to shoot him. And then why did I let him get to me? And it just keeps happening. And these intrusive thoughts include thoughts that, you know, of himself defaluing his own life and also the person that he shot and is dead. So the other men in the group who had been inside for a long time tried to help him. Many, you know, have gone through the same phase of anger and regret, and they talk about it. They say so. But they also talk about coming to a place of taking responsibility of their past actions and also coming to self-acceptance and also self-love. Imagine talking to, you know, a group of men in prison about self-love. I was blown away. And they all come to this and vow to do better. And that's why they're in the class. They wanted to learn to become better or be better. So learning from these men's sharing, I realized that atonement is about fully taking responsibility of our actions. It's really about rehumanizing ourselves to ourselves, owning our own humaneness. So it's a precondition for rehumanizing our views of the other. In fact, you could say that rehumanizing other is rehumanizing ourselves or the other way around. And we can do this through a continuous practice of atonement. Roshi says in her upcoming book, Ehhe Dogen placed extraordinary emphasis on atonement and ethical responsibility. And the verse of atonement, All my ancient twisted karma fully avowed was for him not a preliminary to practice, but practice itself. These words do not seek excuses. They do not deny harm. They begin with acknowledgement. Dogen understood atonement not as self-condemnation, but as awakening itself. The moment we stop defending ourselves, we become available to transformation. And then Dogen says this is from the Nishijima cross translation in the fascicle Shouaku Makusa. As regards what you have already done, to have done what you should not have done will create remorse in you. Even so, do not effade such feelings. Since facing them will in turn prove to be a strength for you, a strength that arises from your training and refraining. So this is why atonement is woven into our forms in every prostration, in every bow and the verse of atonement is in our liturgy. It's always chanted before we receive any of our precepts or take the house. We chant, all my ancient twisted karma from beginningless greed, hatred and delusion. Born of body, speech and mind, I now fully atone. And looking this up, this verse that we chant, I realized that it actually came from the avatamsakasutra. And I wanted to read you this part. This is Samantabhadra telling the young Sudhana about atonement. He says, Thus when empty space is exhausted, when the realms of sentient beings are exhausted, when the karma of sentient beings is exhausted, when the afflictions of sentient beings are exhausted, then my repentance is exhausted. But because empty space and even the afflictions of sentient beings are inexhaustible, my repentance has no complete end. Thought after thought, continuous and uninterrupted, body, speech and mind without weariness. From there you c