When I need encouragement, I get a lecture on detachment

“When I need encouragement, I get a lecture on detachment.” The statement came from a dark-haired South Indian man in his mid-thirties who approached me after a seminar I had given in the UK. “I came to the UK to study, and then I settled into a good job here,” he told me. “I recently got married, and we are expecting a baby. But the work stress has become intense.” Creases of anxiety appeared on his forehead as he spoke. “I approached my spiritual mentor for guidance, and I was told that such distresses are inevitable in this world and are meant to teach us detachment. But I have a family that is about to expand. How can I be detached? I can’t give up my responsibilities. And to fulfill those responsibilities, I need encouragement. Where do I get that from?” His concern made concrete something that had been vague for me for some time: the mismatch that can occur between the message people need and the message they get. “I think there are two ways we can look at this world,” I told him. “We can see it as Maya’s domain, or we can see it as Krishna’s domain. “When we see the world as Maya’s domain, we recognize its capacity to entangle us. Even our legitimate responsibilities can keep expanding and occupy our consciousness so completely that there is little room left for anything else—including our spiritual growth and ultimately Krishna. From that perspective, detachment is essential. “But there is another way to look at the same world: as Krishna’s domain. After all, this world is not just a place where Maya is working to entangle us. Krishna is also working here to engage and elevate us.” His face took on a thoughtful look as he pondered my words. “On the spiritual journey, we often start with a binary: loving Krishna or loving the world. But as we evolve, we can go beyond such a black-and-white vision and understand that we can love Krishna through the world. We can express our devotion to Krishna through the services and responsibilities we are called to perform in this world. “We can see this progression in the Bhagavad-gita also. Especially in its earlier chapters, the Gita warns repeatedly about attachment and its power to entangle us. But the Gita does not conclude simply with detachment from the world. Toward its conclusion, it presents commitment based on a more spiritually informed way of seeing the world. “The Gita tells Arjuna that he can attain perfection through doing his own work (18.45). By understanding that everything has emanated from Krishna and is pervaded by Him, he can perform that work as worship (18.46). Even if our work has faults, we are not required to abandon our work because of those faults (18.47). “Gita 18.48 is most relevant here. Fire may be covered by smoke, yet we see beyond the smoke and utilize the fire. Similarly, our work may be covered by faults, including the possibility of becoming entangled in it. Yet we can see beyond those faults and still strive to work in a mood of worship.” “What does working in a mood of worship mean practically?” he asked. “It means recognizing that we have a part to play in Krishna’s plan—and resolving to play that part with determination and diligence. We understand more precisely what is entangling. Playing our part itself is not entangling. It becomes entangling when we start thinking that we alone have to do everything in a big, bad world and Krishna no longer remains within our picture. Then we try to control everything—and become increasingly anxious because controlling everything is impossible. “Perhaps we could think of attachment, detachment, and commitment in this way. Attachment makes us feel that we have to control everything. Detachment can then seem to mean that we stop caring about anything. But the Gita offers commitment: we do diligently what is within our control and entrust to Krishna what is beyond it. “So it’s not just your family that you are taking care of. It is Krishna’s family. And the child you are expecting is not just your child. It is Krishna’s child, entrusted to your care. That understanding can make you pray even more intensely: ‘Krishna, please give me the opportunity to serve You by caring for this child. And please guide me so that I can care for this child in the best way I can.’ “And when things seem stressful or worrisome, we can encourage ourselves by remembering that we are not alone: Krishna is with us. By acting in a mood of service to Krishna, we can ensure not only that Krishna is with us, but that we are also with Krishna.” The creases of anxiety on his face seemed to ease. His eyes looked brighter as he nodded, thanked me, and departed. A few months later, he called me. “The pregnancy became quite difficult,” he told me. “There was a lot of uncertainty, and throughout that period I was praying constantly. I kept reminding myself, ‘This is not just my child. This is Krishna’s child.’ “Eventually, the delivery happened safely, and now both mother and baby are in good health. I’m very grateful for that. But what struck me was that even during the period of uncertainty, I felt closer to Krishna than I had ever felt before. Because I was concerned for my wife and child, I prayed to Krishna more intensely. And because I prayed more intensely, I felt as if I experienced more deeply Krishna’s love for them and His love for me.” “Congratulations on becoming a father,” I replied. “Convey my best wishes and prayers to your family. And I appreciate how you have navigated such a difficult period with deepened devotion.” The Triangular Nature of Devotion Later, as I reflected on my interactions with him, I thought about how my own approach to guiding people had evolved. An earlier version of me might also have defaulted to detachment in the face of difficulties because it can seem scripturally safe and spiritually strong. But over decades of traveling and interacting with people, I have increasingly understood that as a teacher, I need to consider not only what is scripturally true but also what is practically helpful and emotionally strengthening. That does not require moving away from scripture; it may require finding the scriptural teaching most pertinent to the person and the situation. A significant part of my service involves guiding people. If I don’t care about someone who approaches me for guidance, I will fail in my responsibility toward that person. On the other hand, if I care too much, I may keep dwelling on whether they will do what I have told them to do. That attachment can distract me from my devotion. I need to consciously remind myself that when someone comes to me for guidance, the interaction is not just between that person and me—Krishna is also present, even if invisibly. The more devotionally disposed I am, the more conscious I can become of His role in making our paths cross. It is He who has brought me to this place, and it is He who has brought that person to me. Krishna is their supreme well-wisher (Gita 5.29), and in service to Him, I can try in my small way to act as their well-wisher. Remembering this helps me care more deeply while also focusing more clearly on my role. If what someone is asking is beyond my experience or expertise, caring for them may mean connecting them with someone more competent to guide them. If they are unlikely to accept what I might tell them, I can see that not as a rejection of my advice but as an opportunity to understand where they are and what they can realistically do in that situation. Detachment is still important. But perhaps what I need to detach myself from is not caring, but controlling—or, more precisely, the illusion that I can control what is beyond me. It struck me that when Krishna becomes bigger in my consciousness, that does not have to make the people I care for smaller. It can instead make my vision of them clearer. This helped me appreciate that devotion is not just linear: between Krishna and me. It can also be triangular: involving Krishna, me, and others. When I care for Krishna, I feel more inspired to care for others as His parts. And when I care for others more deeply, I feel inspired to pray to Krishna more, seeking His guidance about how I can help them. As both relationships deepen, I can also experience more deeply Krishna’s care for them and for me. Thinking thus, I offered a prayer: My dear Lord, protect me from the attachment that makes the world bigger than You. Protect me also from the detachment that makes me stop caring for the world. Give me commitment to You and to serving You through the responsibilities You have placed before me. Detach me from the illusion that I can control everything, but never let that detachment diminish my care. May You become ever larger in my consciousness, so that my vision of the world becomes clearer and my service within it becomes better. *** 18.48 Every endeavor is covered by some fault, just as fire is covered by smoke. Therefore one should not give up the work born of his nature, O son of Kuntī, even if such work is full of fault. 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